You can't special order awesome
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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