i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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