my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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