Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
