Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
