What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize