Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
