I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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