I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
