I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize