what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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