When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
