i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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