Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
