Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
