All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woke up backwards on a recliner
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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