The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We need to rekindle our bromance
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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