the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
