When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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