I faked an abortion last night.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
