I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
