So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
