So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Pants 0. Shit 1.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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