I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
