Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
