I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
