the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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