My cat gives me a boner
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
