can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
