note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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