I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
