if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
