finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
This is my gift to your gina
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
