i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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