having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
