She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
