i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize