Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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