I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
