the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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