My girlfriend figured out who you are.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
