he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
