Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We had to coat check the pizza.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
