I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
