i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I touched a dick in church today
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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