I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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