i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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