Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
