do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
