Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
