my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
