Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
