Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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