i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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