we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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