...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you inspire me to be a worse person
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
