and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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