Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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