I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
