u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
