??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
