I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
