Just fell off a train. Bad.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
