If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
